Unless you were under a rock last week you saw what is now being called the #HurtBae video. The Scene released the video and within hours it was all the talk on the internets. Kourtney aka “Hurt Bae” and her ex-boyfriend Leonard came face to face to talk about his cheating ways. As soon as the video begins Kourtney asks Leonard what he did, his reply, “I did everything.”
When I watched the video I wanted to give Kourtney a hug and be that friend to tell Leonard he wasn’t shit. When I watched the video for the second time I reflected and read comments, here are a few things Hurt Bae taught me.
1. Everyone has low self-esteem at some point
When you’re in love lets face it, the person that you’re in love with does have a certain amount of power over your emotions, and it does play a part in your self-esteem. I don’t care if you had a father growing up or not, I don’t know one woman on this earth who hasn’t had low self-esteem behind a man. It baffled me how women made it seem like it would be as simple as one, two, three for Kourtney to gain her sense of self-worth back.
2. Give yourself a second chance
The entire time I watched the video I kept thinking about Kourtney and how bad she must have felt. It was all in her body language, I felt all of her cranes in the sky. I wanted her to know that she will be okay and she won’t die. I know the feeling all too well of heartache and heartbreak, it feels like you will never feel normal again. It feels like you just might actually die from the pain. And it’s not enough that we actually feel like we are about to die, we then beat ourselves up because we said yes to it all. We said yes when he asked for our phone number, we said yes to the dates, and the late night phone calls.
We said yes to their half ass love, accepted it, and ran with it. We blame ourselves and say, “I was so stupid.” Sure we could have made better decisions but at the time it seemed like a good idea because it felt good. And we are so hard on ourselves that we forget to give ourselves a second chance. Always give yourself a second chance.
3. He’s not a bad guy
I know you just gave me the side-eye, but Leonard is not a bad guy. He doesn’t deserve jail time and he doesn’t need to get his ass whipped. Okay, maybe he does need his ass beat for like three minutes. According to statistics, 30-60% of marriages (in the United States) will end because of infidelity. Now, these are the statistics for married people, imagine the stats for college-aged adults. The internets are making him out to be a monster when in fact he is actually the guy next door.
The way people have been demonizing him shows us how many Hurt Baes are walking around. When I first watched the video I said he was a piece of shit too, but then I thought about it. I took into consideration his age, his lifestyle, where he probably was mentally. And no he is not a bad guy. He is absolutely wrong for doing what he did, but a bad guy, nope.
4. You can be hurt without displaying emotions
When I was younger, I had a fight with a girl, I hit her and she fell and hit a piece of metal that was on the ground. When she got up there was blood everywhere. She hit her knee on the metal and it caused her to bleed profusely . She was the one who started with me and hit me first, but because her injuries were more apparent I was the criminal and she was the victim. No matter how many times I told the camp counselor I didn’t hit her first each time the other girl cried it made her look even more innocent.
I refused to apologize and I didn’t cry. I felt bad on the inside because I didn’t intend to hurt the girl I just wanted her to leave me alone. And because I didn’t cry or apologize it communicated I didn’t care. When I watched Leonard the first time he seemed like he didn’t care which made me feel for Kourtney even more. But was I really interested in watching a crying and pleading Leonard? Let’s not act like society embraces a crying man.
He could have felt really bad on the inside but because he didn’t cry it’s communicating he doesn’t care. If we go back to the beginning he was the one who pursued her, I believe that he cared about her. And when you get to the end of the video he says, “I hope I get to see you grow into the woman that you are becoming.”
There was something about his last words that made me feel like he knew what he did was wrong. He cared. He didn’t hold Kourtney hostage and I think that’s what people are forgetting. As much drama, he put her through she chose to stay.
5. When people show you who they are, nine times out of ten you still might stay.
“She ignored all the signs.” “If that was me I would have been left.” “She was so stupid.” I was so close to replying to some of the high and mighty comments made under the video. Half of the people giving advice need to write their advice down, put it on the mirror in their bathrooms, and recite it to themselves every morning.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” That Maya Angelou quote is probably one of the most recited and unimplemented quotes that get tossed around on the internet. The truth is, a person can show you who they are and because you are sooo in love you will either ignore it, or see what you want because you’re not ready to deal with it.
Call it intuition, a gut feeling, a sixth sense, whatever you want, somewhere deep inside you know when something is off. And when he comes back with the lamest lie known to man, nine times out of ten you accept it. Even if you don’t believe it, by staying you are saying, “I believe your lying ass.” People stay because they don’t want the ugly to be true.
6. Forgiveness doesn’t mean it’s okay
I think it starts in pre-school, somewhere around that age we are taught as children if you say sorry then all is well. Usually, we get the rude awaking early on in life that sorry doesn’t heal the wound. But there are a select few adults who will do something wrong, say sorry, and believe that is all that’s needed.
Leonard asked Kourtney why did she chose to forgive him. Her reply, “Because you were my best friend.” If I could cry on cue I would be in tears right now. When Kourtney decided to forgive him it wasn’t because she thought what he did was okay, it was because she knew him. The real him. When you know the good that exists in someone especially someone you were in love with it’s hard to stay mad forever.
It’s okay to forgive and want the best for someone who hurt you. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you agree it just means you’ve made peace with the truth.
Hurt Bae also taught me that in the end, you will flourish again. Give it time, heal, and then glo the f**k up on em!
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