Fear is not my homeboy

Fear has been walking and roaming the halls of my mind for quite some time now. It’s amazing how much power fear can obtain once it has a little window of opportunity. I have been trying to figure out why I have been so fearful, for months I have been feeding my mind with positive videos, affirmations, and nothing was happening. I mean I felt good for a little while and then gradually fear would settle right back on in. I don’t operate well in fear, if I am fearful at first I can deal with that. Usually fear subsides and I am able to operate with ease and I gain confidence as I tackle the obstacle or task. What was happening now was something totally different altogether, I was in fear all the time. What was going on? What was I doing wrong? I began to reach out to people, tip toeing around asking for advice, this is unlike me because I don’t consult many people on private matters, but things were bothering me and I needed advice to make decisions.

The way I was going about making decisions didn’t feel right but I forged ahead anyway. Consulting people, gathering opinions from the outside world to create a mental balancing scale where their opinions became little beans. Every one picking a side. Two beans for yes on one side of the scale, three beans for no on the other side of the scale, that’s how outside opinions were playing out in my head. I have some pretty amazing friends, and while all of their opinions were valid fear was still inside toying with my mind. In order for all of this to make sense and for me to have a full circle moment with you I have to back up. Me backing up will also help you back up in your own life, and then we can work together to become clear. Stick with me, not too long ago I gave up on God. I didn’t believe that he covered me the way he promised. I always tear up when I admit this because in the depths of my soul I regret making that powerful assumption. Slowly I came realize that God had never left or forsaken me in any way, but a window was opened. You see, I thought that if I just prayed and completed the Daniel Fast then somehow the slate would have been wiped clean, and there wouldn’t be any ramifications, I was so wrong.

There is a growth sprout that occurs when you decide not to have faith and trust in God. Even when your faith waivers just a tad that little window of doubt sets in, you have become an official adult. No, not in the way that America views an adult, it happens more in a spiritual sense. “The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” Psalm 18:2 You see, when I became an adult in the sense that I didn’t have faith or trust in God anymore that verse I no longer allowed it to apply to me. I didn’t believe that verse, so I made decisions based on who was the official adult. Me. I didn’t pray or ask God for insight to anything. I made my own decisions, much like the beans and the balancing scale I entrusted my friends with. The moment I became an adult (not trusting and believing that God was my Father and that he would never leave me, and would always guide and protect me) I ignored thee most valuable source I had, the ability to connect with my Father through prayer to seek his guidance to disarm fear.

Now that I had ignored that, (I was on a roll) I was only listening to myself. I alone made the decisions concerning me and my future. Lets be clear, you can make very wise decisions and it will grant you success based on your own brain power. God didn’t make me a dummy. However, when you only have yourself to consult and trust guess what usually sets in? If you said FEAR you are right. Fear: When you stop listening to God and start listening to yourself. <– This definition came to me while I was in the shower, I kept trying to figure out why I was so afraid. I have never been the type to not make a move because I was sooo scared. Even when I was scared I could still move, but to be still? Ask anyone who knows me, I am many things but still ain’t one of them. So while in the shower I asked out loud, “Why Am I So Afraid?” Right hand to the man it was as clear as day, I heard God ask, “Who are you listening to?” I sat with that for five seconds (because this all took place in the shower) and I started to cry. During my “adult” phase of living, God wasn’t the head of all things concerning my life. I picked up a bad habit, I consulted myself and moved before I consulted God. And because some of those decisions garnered success I didn’t stop to question who I’d listened to when making those decisions.

I’ve never prayed and sought God’s guidance and was still in fear when I made a decision. It was only when I made moves based on my own understanding I became fearful. Because I took into account everything, past experiences, past hurts, past wins, and used that knowledge to make a decision. (Boo, you can have all the bad statistics in the world and God will still make them all liars) Using my own understanding fear had to be present, if you look at every bad situation in your life, who on earth wouldn’t be afraid? Before my “adulting” I wouldn’t hold a mic without asking God to use me as a vessel, I wouldn’t take calls from friends or people asking my advice without first saying a quick prayer asking God to guide my words. My advice, my stories, even the way I interview people has always began with me praying to God for me to be used. During that time of “adulting” I never acknowledged anyone or anything. I had become my alpha and omega, and that is a scary place live and dwell. The consequences of me falling into doubt created a habit that I am still trying to unlearn. I know myself, so I can make decisions for myself, but in doing this fear will be present. People may or may not believe that fear is what happens when you stop listening to God and start listening to yourself, but I truly believe that is what fear is. I’m not saying you can’t consult your friends or seek advice, so before you comment…relax. I’m simply stating that fear is present when we stop listening to God and we try to figure out our own steps. It’s too much, try praying, and I mean really praying (because I know how some of y’all do…because I am still y’all lol) but try it and then move.

So, who have you been listening to? Better question, are you living in fear? Comment below…let’s talk awhile.



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