I remember when I prayed to God for you and now here you are. Standing in front of me waiting, waiting for me to say that I will be with you until the end of time. Until death do us part, and even then our spirits will find each other, defying the laws of nature, our love has no bounds. Once upon a time I didn’t think we would make it…remember that? I couldn’t take it anymore, not knowing if our souls were meant to be in this lifetime. Bruised egos and broken hearts made it hard for us to seek God and find each other again.
Love turned to lust and then lust took over but it wasn’t me you lusted for…was it? You found your lust and left me at night to chase it. Empty. That is how you left me. Filled like a well when you said my name, I’m slightly ashamed that even in these words I blush. Filled with sorrow and love. I was a fool. We lived too fast, and sexed too much without words. Lack of communication made room for things to be left better unsaid. No vows meant no safety net, no support, and no commitment from either one of us. Yes, I loved your touch but I loved my independence. No safety net, we just jumped, and fell hard. Wedding bands were meant to shackle us down. It was my fault for allowing your words to become mine. “We decided that marriage isn’t for everyone, we are going to do things our way.We don’t need a safety net, we like our independence.” Replace we with you and the truth is spoken.
Thoughts of this day played over in my mind like a child counting down until Christmas. I loved you long before I met you in this world. In a previous life we married and divorced, our unsettled souls came back to get it right. And even in this life we still didn’t know if we’d make it. Jealousy and mistrust dwelled in the same space where we had our morning coffee. We shared a bed with control and fear. Never once speaking to each other directly, you made me question what our queen sized bed would feel like all to myself. I gave up on praying for things to get better. Quiet tears slid down my face at night while you to slept peacefully. Would this love last long enough for a lifetime to pass? My heart still skips a beat when I think of the good times, please get stronger.
I heard a voice say, fight. And so I did. Leaving my own mind and falling to my knees I fought the only way I knew how. I prayed to the God that made me, the God that created him for me, I prayed until kingdom came, and his will was done. I prayed until the sun rose and the sunset. Until the summer passed and we blew out candles and I became a year older. Until the snow came and melted again, until our souls met and said…hello. Until he found God, and then allowed his heart to find me…again. On bended knee he submitted to God and then and only then was he able to kneel down and submit to me. To ask me, if his love still enough to fill me?
As I stand at the altar with tears streaming down my face looking into nervous brown eyes awaiting my response I see my soul clearly for the first time. I’m loved, I’m protected, I’m respected, I’m honored, and most of all I am his wife.
Last modified: May 5, 2016